all being welcome

26 Oct

I’m still a wanker.

An update on celibacy, almost 3 months in; it’s a profoundly revealing excercise.

I have come to see and understand many of the layers that have been preventing me from receiving love when I’ve been in relationship, and also stopped me from being my whole, authentic self when I am in relational dynamics with men.

The big one was noticing how I tend to accommodate the masculine. It’s that almost invisible, unconscious handing over of power, choice, leadership. The sense that the experience of the masculine is somehow realer, righter or truer and that I’m here as a ‘support’ to their endeavours. The sense that I matter less.

I’ve uncovered layers of hiding, shame, internalised self-objectification, and fear. It has been powerful and at times scary, always deepening, and through my self-pleasure practice, which I’ve used as a tool for self-healing, I’ve been able to hold space for my own transformation and growth.

I’ve expanded my internal awareness and awoken so much sensitivity within my yoni, my heart, and my whole body, and had the blessing of entering many states of deeply blissful orgasm.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’m having the best sex of my life, and I’m alone! I feel deeply empowered and this empowerment is flowing into my life as a whole.

Even just a few months ago, I could not have imagined what a cervical orgasm felt like. Yet, in coming into relationship with my own body, and beginning to explore from a place of love and curiosity, using many of the practices that we teach in the Yoniverse, I have found my way to profound places of pleasure, bliss and wholeness in my body. This isn’t luck. This is relaxation. This is surrender. This is discipline plus pleasure. This is curiosity. This is expanding awareness. This is meditation. This is letting go.

This is available to all beings.

I see that I’m the proof in the pudding for a lot of what we offer at the Yoniverse. And because we often have this idea that it’s only with toil and hard work that change occurs or that we achieve success.

But pleasure is a pathway too. Deepening into surrender and bliss is a mode of healing and awakening that is deeply aligned with the biological, blooming, unfolding and sexual nature of the universe.

There’s so much alive and moving, for our culture as a whole and for us as individuals, leveraging that momentum and expansion is a powerful way to contribute to a cultural shift in the world and within your own being and in your relationships.

If you’re interested in exploring this further, please get in touch with me directly to arrange 1:1 coaching sessions. I’m also putting together an online course that will be available soon. A new workshop that I’ll offer to all beings regardless of gender identification or sexual orientation.

It’s likely to be called Solo Sex and the Adventure of Self. More to come.

01 Oct

The Impersonal Horizon of Love

So I’ve come to understand that my primary relationship is with the divine, through the prism of self, via the vehicle of body.
 
The beloved is whoever is before me in any moment. That may be my child, my sibling, my parent, my friend or my lover. There’s no longer a hierarchy in the matrix of my relationships.
 
It’s been challenging to relax into this awareness because of the dominance romantic love takes in our culture and conditioning. I’m aware that this can feel ‘impersonal’ for those in relationship with me.
 
But I see this as an expansion beyond love being primarily expressed and experienced in the dimension of personality. Which means that, yes, it is less ‘personal’. I find I no longer want to be loved for what I am or what I am not, these can only ever be the beloved’s perception, projection or interpretation anyway. Just as my judgements of the beloved are perceptions, projections and interpretations. Which are really just reflections and permutations of ego. 
 
I feel the healthiest I have felt in my life. I’m in deep relationship with my aloneness, no longer running from it into the arms of any who will hold me, and receptive and responsive to love from all the directions it comes, without wanting or needing to make ‘solid’ yet illusory structures of these relationships.
 

There is a fluidity in this that feels truer to the unquantifiable nature of being. It feels in alignment with the changeability of emotion, of circumstance.

Like what Kahlil Gibran wrote when the Prophet speaks of marriage:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. 
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. 
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. 
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

This was a reading at my wedding 15 years ago. I thought I got it then. I think I get it now. Time is a spiral. No doubt there’s lots more for me to get.

Speaking of things got, today I received the loveliest love letter of my life, because it’s a reflection of what to me is a healthy relationship with self, and this exquisite impersonality:


“Just had one of those massivelong carpark d&m’s about the universe and all things up & down, awesome! And during this, I realised why I love you. It’s not because of anything you are or something you’re not – it’s because of what you love. What excites you. What thrills you and entices you. That which you are enraptured by, I think it’s exactly the same for you as it is for me. We’re both looking at the same horizon – not at each other – and going, ‘holy fuck, it’s beautiful, it’s breath-taking, it’s sublime!’ At least it feels like that. That we’re both in love with the same thing. And that ‘it’ is first love, nothing and no one could ever take its place. I would never know how to love you more than ‘it’, for it is your love for it – truth, life, God, other, this, whatever – which is what I adore about you.

So be at peace, my beautiful friend. I am not pursuing you as a human, the way I suspect we both hate being pursued. I am pursuing the universe, in all her vast, multi-dimensioned wisdom and beauty. And it happens to be that I looove pursuing the universe inside of you, for it is here that
I get to find
none other
than my
self.

What an adventure! 
Sweet dreams, poetess.”

Thankyou Universe for this beautiful being being in my life and this beautiful reflection. And yes, what an adventure.

30 Sep

A Sticky, Hot and Messy Internal Debate


I love this song! Just like the rest of the world I guess. Here’s a link to the translation of lyrics, if you don’t speak Spanish. It’s a bit clunky but you get the gist of it. https://www.google.com.au/…/despacito-lyrics-translation-en…

The reason I love it so much is because I see and receive it as a devotional tribute to womens’ pleasure, and the message of the song – the call to slow down and really be present and enjoy every moment of sexual intimacy, is in alignment with everything we share in the Yoniverse. I’m facilitating my first weekend of retreats this coming weekend and I’m really looking forward to it, but I am also a bit nervous.

I’ve actually just returned from three weeks in the Caribbean and while it’s not quite as glossy/pert breasted/cellulite free as the film clip for Despacito suggests, it is a place where sex hangs in the air like the scent of overripe fruit.

It’s a very sexy part of the world. Maybe too sexy? I’m not sure.

It’s something I have struggled with living in the Caribbean at various times in the last decade. Over there it’s pretty common as a woman to walk down the street and be overtly ogled, whistled at, and visibly objectified whenever you leave your house.

At the same time, men over there can and love to dance and they’re generous in their attention and expression towards women, generally speaking of course.

Sex is closer to the surface than it is in our culture here, and that has pros and cons. How much is too much? What exactly is objectification? Where’s the line between appreciation and abuse? Watching the film clip for Despacito, I feel the whole of this sticky, hot, messy debate arise within me. A bit like sex itself, actually. Good sex, anyway. Sticky, hot and messy :-).

I get that it’s a bit of a minefield these days for all of us when it comes to relating between the genders, political correctness can make it seem like it’s impossible to just be. Even writing this I feel like I might get in some hot water somewhere! The climate we’re in doesn’t feel safe to be expressive.

I love sex and intimacy and I love both men and women. I believe that we are all longing for connection and ways to express our devotion, appreciation and pleasure. And this is what inspires us to make art and music like Despacito.

Living in the cultures we do we’ve either forgotten, or never learned how to do this in ways that honour both genders.

This is what is so special about the Yoniverse. We offer the opportunity to come into a deeper and more sacred honouring of sexuality with a special emphasis on honouring the Yoni.

We share what we like, what we don’t like, what we appreciate, what we are struggling with inside ourselves, what stops us from being present in sex, what opens us up, and some awesome perspectives and approaches for both women and men to weave into their lives based on all this juiciness.

Here’s the link to my upcoming workshops:

MEN : https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/gold-coast-discovering-the-yoniverse-men-only-tickets-36220296883
WOMEN : https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/gold-coast-mysteries-of-the-yoniverse-women-only-tickets-36220391165

01 Sep

Chasing Waterfalls

A waterfall overrun by trash is a woman used, judged, disrespected and objectified.
A waterfall lovingly cared for is a woman nurtured, honoured and respected.

 

 

 

 

 

 
I’m writing this under this new moon and to contextualise further, I’m also writing this under the effects of a subtle but real biological grief that every woman who menstruates experiences each month. This being the failure to fertilise the corpus luteum and its subsequent transformation into corpus albicans.

In other words, I ovulated, and the egg that my ovary released this month was not fertilised and it is now decaying in my body. In more other words, I’m not pregnant and I’m experiencing hormonal shifts in response to this as my body prepares to bleed.

At the level of my functional personality, I’m quite happy about not being pregnant and not at all surprised, given that I am a total wanker (e.g. not participating in sexual intercourse with anyone other than myself). I’m also happy because I already have more than enough children.

Regardless of how my personality feels however, my body is grieving the death of this egg and confronting its failure in the deeper biological goal of procreation.

So I’m aware that this accounts for some of the sadness and despair I’m feeling in this moment. As a living embodiment of the feminine principle this is not irrelevant.

It’s a challenging place to write from. Let’s see how it unfolds.

I’m in New York, en route to Australia after spending two weeks in the Dominican Republic. I feel despair at the state of the planet.

I can’t stop thinking about this one particular place I went to the in the DR that was incredibly beautiful. It’s called the jacuzzi. The water was crystal clear, coming straight off the mountains down this delightful rocky cascade into a frothing pool, it was like swimming in a glass of champagne. But better.

But it was overrun by trash.

So I’m running fantasies about going back and adopting this place and cleaning it up. I’d love to do this, but I know this is saviour mentality and deeper down I know that this would be like putting a bandaid on a visible skin cancer. And, who the fuck am I to come in a tell people how to live.

The real change needs to happen at a much deeper level anyway, it’s a cultural shift that is needed.

So my fantasy shifts gear to moving to the DR and creating campaigns for raising awareness around single use plastics/styrofoams, and introduce re-usable water bottles etc… and then I realise that for a huge percentage of the people living hand to mouth there the capacity to care for the environment is limited. They’re flat out surviving themselves.

How much can we expect from ourselves, from others, when we are essentially slaving in a system that sees us/nature as replaceable/inexhaustible/irrelevant?

The best and brightest of my ideas/energy/capacity, and the ideas/energy/capacity of most of us, for the most part, go unexplored/under-utilised because we are all at some level hustling to make ends meet.

I know there’s a ‘you make your own reality’ vibe in the conscious community that suggests that once an individual actualises enough or does the requisite de-conditioning that all manner of fruits will be available to them, and I subscribe to this at some level.

But, and it’s a big but, cause I like big buts I cannot lie, this BYPASSES essential discourse around creating shifts in culture that benefit not just the individual but the whole. A LIVING WAGE or BASIC INCOME or something like this is needed in order to free up the brilliance and ingenuity of humanity, because we are that. We are brilliant and creative, New York is a testament to that.

Fuck what a trip NY is, looming, immense, intense, epic, intricate, complex, layered. The density and dimensionality of humanity is beyond words. I’m experiencing it as a permutation of nature, not as something outside of or done to or with nature because I see that we are the earth’s technology, and so we are essentially technology creating technology. The fractal is evident and inescapable. And that is somewhat terrifying.

I feel lonely. Possibly because my biology is grieving, but also because I am suspended between two worlds/homes in a place that is other worldly to me.

I also visited numerous waterfalls in the DR that were pristine and lovingly cared for by locals, I’ve included some of these photos.

What I realised before I sat down to write this is that the waterfall overrun by trash, and the waterfalls loving cared for, were perfect representations or motifs for unhealthy and healthy sexuality.

It brought home for me, once again, why I feel the work we do around sexuality is so important.

Not only is it important on a personality level – to feel free from inner and outer judgement, to access more pleasure, to connect more intimately and meaningfully with our lovers, for our children to be able to name their genitalia and not feel shame or fear to speak of or be natural with their bodies, it is important because it is through our connection with our bodies and our sexuality that we connect each day with the earth, with nature. We are the earth. We are nature.

A waterfall overrun by trash is a woman used, judged, disrespected and objectified.

A waterfall lovingly cared for is a woman nurtured, honoured and respected.

How is your waterfall?

I’m facilitating my first Yoniverse workshops on the Gold Coast in three weeks time.

This is my why.

Come.

MEN : https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/gold-coast-discovering-the-yoniverse-men-only-tickets-36220296883
WOMEN : https://www.eventbrite.com.au/e/gold-coast-mysteries-of-the-yoniverse-women-only-tickets-36220391165

23 Aug

The Exclusive Masturbator

 

Oh dear.

I just discovered that I’m an exclusive masturbator.

I sat down to write this bit of stuff about where I’m at – the ironic fact that I’ve committed to a period of celibacy at the same time as beginning my training as a facilitator of sex education workshops for adults.

In terms of the celibacy thing I’m not having sex with other people… but I am having sex with myself.

CELIBACY: abstinence from sexual intercourse.

INTERCOURSE: dealings between individuals or groups

There’s no word for me, the person who is abstaining from sex with others, but not abstaining from sex with self. Which reveals an interesting culture bias – that unless sex is happening as a form of intercourse, then it’s such a no thing as to be unnamed, wordless and invisible.

DOES IT EVEN HAPPEN?

So in casting around for a way to describe my current status, I realised there is a word for the act of self love itself: masturbation. And from here I coined the exclusive masturbator title, which actually makes me sound like some kind of obscure engine part. I love words, but I reckon masturbation is one of the ugliest words in the english language (feel free to offer ugly words in the comments section).

But so what.. what does this have to do with anything?

In the work I do with women, I quite often hear them speak about sex and sexual pleasure as something that is only available or ‘right’ to do/receive with their partner. It’s something they only ‘do’ with someone else.

But who made that rule?

Is it true?

What about you, do you feel it’s ok to give yourself sexual pleasure?

What are the ways you allow yourself to pleasure yourself?

Do you know how to make love to you?

Can you receive your own love or is your relationship with yourself mainly critical/judging?

What are the things you often say to yourself about yourself?

KNOW THYSELF – this is an ancient and pretty self-explanatory maxim. Self-knowledge is the beginning of wisdom, it’s also our pathway to compassion. It’s through awareness of our own experience and how we’ve suffered, struggled, fallen, risen and grown that we can understand and feel into other people’s stories, compassion is the connection superhighway. But wisdom is not just a heady thing. It carries across our bodies too.

In coming into a touch based relationship with self, we can give ourselves a self-determined experience of our boundaries, likes, dislikes, capacities and incapacities, and perhaps most importantly, an experience of personal sovereignty.

WTF is that?

Sovereignty: a self-governing state.

Most of us live out our day to days lives feeling governed by an external authority figure – it’s the ‘they’ out there, the ones in charge, the governments, the banks, the corporations, as a child it probably would have been your father, as an adult many of us feel ‘owned’ by work… We are all conditioned into subtle and sometimes not so subtle states of dependence.

Here’s a little observation exercise:

Do you live in a way that is determined by the unspoken rules that society has instilled in you, or do you live governed by your own deeper truth and self-awareness?
Do you dress the way you’d like to or the way you are conditioned to through advertising?

Do you appreciate your body for the incredible wonder of it, or do you judge it for being too fat/thin/weak/broken?

Do you feel seen in the world, or do you feel that you present an edited ‘version’ of yourself?

When we begin to explore our bodies, we begin to see where we are trapped in our conditioning – we see where we are unfree.

For example, if I look at myself in the mirror and all I can see are my blemishes and my cellulite – here I know I am trapped in someone else’s idea of beautiful.

If I look at my vagina in a mirror and all I can think is that it’s hairy and disgusting then I know I am trapped in someone else’s idea of what a vagina should like.

My body is the universe, a repeating pattern, unfolding, expanding and breathing in perfection of process. Your body is too.

So when I touch myself with love and reverence, and I tell all the ideas of how I SHOULD look to FUCK OFF, I offer myself a pathway to freedom and transcendence.

I offer myself the gift of the open door.

Movement and self-pleasure offer very simple and very accessible pathways into what freedom feels like in our bodies. When we move into pleasure, despite the messages of our unfreedom, we break the chains of ideas and norms that are designed to keep us small, subservient, and malleable.

Self-pleasure can be a radical act of self-determination.
To dance naked for yourself alone and love the being you meet in the mirror is a form of activism.

When you begin to experience freedom in your body, your body will help you to create freedom in your life.

If you’re interested in exploring how to find more freedom in your body, in your life, and in your relationship or how to connect with and use love, sex and pleasure as modes of awakening, we’re offering sex education workshops for men and women across Australia.

See the YONIVERSE website for more details and for specific event details.

28 Nov

A little under two years ago, I went to the circle pools out near Protestor’s Falls with a group of beautiful and beloved sisters to honour and prepare for Loma’s birth.

In this picture I am deep in meditation, feeling en-wombed by the Mother, and connecting with the incredible being I carried in my own womb. The water was so cold at first, but my edges gradually dissolved until I was nothing and everything, in and of the earth and the universe at once.

I was/am galaxies within and without.

I embodied the process so completely in this moment. The process of life. The process of fracturing into the fractal. When I birthed Loma the feelings I embodied in the water, helped the ME ME in me to step aside and let the wisdom of my body lead me through and become her portal of arrival.

I can still remember the feeling of her head engaging as she began to crown, the deep and heavy opening of my body as it embodied its highest purpose, my yoni a pathway for Loma’s becoming. I remember resting a while at that place of total openness, my mind and body in expanse, present to what was occurring, but in a deeply altered state. Perhaps the truest moment I have ever lived.

I often think about how objects time travel in ways that beings can’t, heirlooms and furniture knowing generations and seeing centuries pass. But I’m wrong in this, we do time travel.

Loma here in this picture, in my belly, has her ovaries formed and the potential of her children within her, me in my mother’s womb with the potential of Loma already there, my mother in her womb with the potential of me inside her. Our cells travel through time and space and inform our beings in ways we can’t name, but when we listen quietly the deep knowing is there.

I couldn’t know what was to come in the months that followed Loma’s birth, but looking back now, I see that this was the beginning of a long process of initiation into awareness.

It’s moving and powerful to have this moment captured, because I now see it is as the moment when spirit moved to begin the process of shattering the illusions that I had lived within for a long time. Every moment leads to the next, from this place of love and acceptance looking back to that moment has a living sacred geometry to it.

For all that has happened since then I am grateful. For all who have loved and supported me I am grateful. For all who have been a mirror or a catalyst I am grateful. I give thanks for the blessing of Loma and for the journey that I have walked. I honour my footsteps.

Now I am preparing myself to transmute once again. With the perfection of seasons aligning, two years on from this deep moment captured, I am preparing for another birthing, this time my own, as a medicine woman.

Which is not to say that I’m any different from anyone else, except maybe, in that I accept that I have the power to heal myself and to let the love and energy of others heal me also. And that I’ve consciously journeyed myself through such things in life that I am willing and able to act as a guide for others on the path.

We all need guides. Even the guides. In this process of evolution, within the process of just being human animals, we need one another to guide ourselves home to ourselves, to reflect, to clash, to feel our edges, to catalyse, to lean on, to lean in, to connect, to feel, to fail, to fall, and to lift each other up. We are integral to one another’s process.

We are all medicine people.

My gift is one of seeing process clearly, which is really just the gift of intimacy; with self and with others, and I am learning now how to share it.

The next step on my journey is participating in Bonnie’s Yoni Mapping Practicioner’s training www.blissyoni.com which I see is doing the sacred work of bringing our sex, our sexuality and the yoni; the cradle of our life force and energy; back into the embrace of wholeness, from the exile of taboo.

I feel honoured to be called, and to be here in this moment in time and space to be a part of this process.

I am alive, I am awake, I am ready.

FullSizeRender-3

all being welcome