So I’ve come to understand that my primary relationship is with the divine, through the prism of self, via the vehicle of body.
 
The beloved is whoever is before me in any moment. That may be my child, my sibling, my parent, my friend or my lover. There’s no longer a hierarchy in the matrix of my relationships.
 
It’s been challenging to relax into this awareness because of the dominance romantic love takes in our culture and conditioning. I’m aware that this can feel ‘impersonal’ for those in relationship with me.
 
But I see this as an expansion beyond love being primarily expressed and experienced in the dimension of personality. Which means that, yes, it is less ‘personal’. I find I no longer want to be loved for what I am or what I am not, these can only ever be the beloved’s perception, projection or interpretation anyway. Just as my judgements of the beloved are perceptions, projections and interpretations. Which are really just reflections and permutations of ego. 
 
I feel the healthiest I have felt in my life. I’m in deep relationship with my aloneness, no longer running from it into the arms of any who will hold me, and receptive and responsive to love from all the directions it comes, without wanting or needing to make ‘solid’ yet illusory structures of these relationships.
 

There is a fluidity in this that feels truer to the unquantifiable nature of being. It feels in alignment with the changeability of emotion, of circumstance.

Like what Kahlil Gibran wrote when the Prophet speaks of marriage:

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore. 
You shall be together when white wings of death scatter your days. 
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. 
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. 
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

This was a reading at my wedding 15 years ago. I thought I got it then. I think I get it now. Time is a spiral. No doubt there’s lots more for me to get.

Speaking of things got, today I received the loveliest love letter of my life, because it’s a reflection of what to me is a healthy relationship with self, and this exquisite impersonality:


“Just had one of those massivelong carpark d&m’s about the universe and all things up & down, awesome! And during this, I realised why I love you. It’s not because of anything you are or something you’re not – it’s because of what you love. What excites you. What thrills you and entices you. That which you are enraptured by, I think it’s exactly the same for you as it is for me. We’re both looking at the same horizon – not at each other – and going, ‘holy fuck, it’s beautiful, it’s breath-taking, it’s sublime!’ At least it feels like that. That we’re both in love with the same thing. And that ‘it’ is first love, nothing and no one could ever take its place. I would never know how to love you more than ‘it’, for it is your love for it – truth, life, God, other, this, whatever – which is what I adore about you.

So be at peace, my beautiful friend. I am not pursuing you as a human, the way I suspect we both hate being pursued. I am pursuing the universe, in all her vast, multi-dimensioned wisdom and beauty. And it happens to be that I looove pursuing the universe inside of you, for it is here that
I get to find
none other
than my
self.

What an adventure! 
Sweet dreams, poetess.”

Thankyou Universe for this beautiful being being in my life and this beautiful reflection. And yes, what an adventure.

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